They're smart, those Girl Scouts, but I'm onto them. I've caught wind of their plot and it stinks.
Let's start with the basics.
There are two types of Girl Scouts - The kind that immediately hand over the boxes of joy, providing you with instant gratification and a free pass to the sugar overloaded highway of bliss, and then there are the Girl Scouts that take your order and make you wait several weeks or even months for you cookies to come in. Both are deadly and I'm not sure which is worse. I'm of the belief that they are equally dangerous. Not that it matters, because they're in cahoots, working towards the same sinister goal which I will get to later.
Allow me to break it down for you.
The first variety of Girl Scouts are the ones that sit outside Walmart or Kroger or wherever they can bat their long eyelashes at a store owner and convince him to let them sit out front with their big puppy dog eyes and adorable pig tails, harassing every patron of the store not only as they enter the store, but again as they exit. Here is a photograph from a typical scene you may encounter (you may need to click to enlarge in order to see the gory details):
Please note: this is a reenactment. All actual names and faces have been changed for their own protection.
They have boxes upon boxes of Peanut Butter Patties, Caramel deLites (my poison of choice), Peanut Butter Sandwiches, Lemonades, Shortbreads, Thin Mints and others just sitting there in giant stacks, waiting for some unsuspecting store patron to hear the eerie music in their head, go into a trance, impulsively buy 35 boxes and then get swept away in a coconuty euphoria.. or lemon euphoria if you like that variety... though I think you're crazy to waste to calories on lemon cookies when you could have Caramel deLites.
The Girl Scout gurus know that this is America and we are BIG on instant gratification. And when I say big, I mean enormously huge. It's like this raging monster comes out when we pass those tables of cookies and says "I WANT CARAMEL DELITES AND I WANT THEM RIGHT NOW!!!" and our inner child screams and throws the mother of all temper tantrums until we hand over those dollars and get our precious boxes of cookies. Which, by the way, have far too few cookies in them for the price we pay! I swear, it's like you get 10 measly cookies for that $3.50. I digress...
Back on track. Let's move on to the second type of Girl Scout.
The second type are the ones that take your order and then promise you deliciousness in about 2-4 weeks. Sometimes they show up on your door step, catching you off guard while you're in the middle of dinner, on the phone, or watching the Bachelor (not that I would watch that smut...). You're blinded by their sweetness and are tricked into buying a box or six, because you're weak and can't say no to cute little girls with pigtails. And if you're lucky enough to not have them show up on your porch, you almost undoubtedly have 4 or more friends or co-workers constantly badgering you to buy cookies from their kid. C'mon... we all know one of "those" moms (or dads or aunts or neighbor's mother's friend's daughter's sister-in-law) They are relentless!
I think this type of Girl Scout is almost WORSE than the first type... Why? Because you spend $42 on cookies but because you haven't gotten them yet, it hasn't satisfied that deep longing for chocolate coated peanut butter yet so when you are headed into the grocery store to buy your organic chicken, lettuce, snow peas and other healthy things (hey, you ARE on a diet, remember that resolution?) you pass by the Instant Gratification Girl Scouts (that just sounds bad...) and go ahead and pick up an extra box or 4 to satisfy you until your other cookies come in. So see? They're banking on both ends of your gluttony. They get your cash twice! And we get twice the fat! Doesn't seem fair, does it?
Hmm.. where was I going with this? Oh yes. Girl Scouts and world dominion. I'm getting there....
And as if them just selling the cookies wasn't bad enough, they pick JANUARY to do this fundraiser! This timing is integral to their plot.You see, they know that everyone makes New Years resolutions to lose weight and get in shape. I mean really, like 94.686% of the population probably does this. So in January, everyone is mean, and grumpy, and starving, and CRAVING junk food. This just makes everyone more susceptible to their tactics. I don't know about you, but if I'm downright mean when I'm hungry. Just ask Josh. Or my parents. So if I'm already pissed off hungry and you wave some chocolate coated peanut butter in my face you better watch out. I may just rip your arm off while going for it. The Girl Scouts are banking on this!
Their ultimate plan is to get you to consume hundreds and hundreds of cookies, thereby making us all gain tons of weight and go into sugar comas. Remember the movie Wall-E? Where everyone got super fat and couldn't walk or do anything for themselves anymore? Well, picture that.... except we aren't on a space ship and we don't have little hover chairs to get us to and from. If we all weigh 800lbs, then chances are slim that we're getting out of our beds much less out of our houses. Now, some would be content with this plan... laying in bed with boxes of Caramel deLites and Peanut Butter Patties strewn about while watching Jerseylicious and Bridalplasty reruns (again, I would NEVER watch such shows...)
...but I know better. I'm not falling for it.
OK. I'm getting tired of writing now and I am sure the 3 or so people that read my blog are tired of reading this junk so I'll get to the point. The rest of their plan for global domination involves a robot named Cookie that runs for President, France and Atomic Thin Mints, dancing unicorns with laser eyes, and bacon. Because every story is better when it includes bacon.
Look, I even drew a picture of President Cookie. Since I wasted 15 minutes drawing it, I'm including it... even though I didn't really explain it. It would've been a good explanation too.
Oh well.
So yeah, I'm on to them. I've got their number. And I'm not falling for it! I've had years to study their behaviors and finally caught on. I haven't bought a single box this year and I will resist! So when the rest of the world is 800lbs and stuck in their Barcaloungers with coconut in their teeth, I will go out and save the world!
4 comments:
LOVE IT!!!! Ben has actually purchased two boxes this year outside of Wal Mart of course. One box of the yummy coconut kind was devoured in two days by us and then the second box actually was taken to Frank under the bridge...we are sharing the yumminess with the homeless in our area(aren't we generous). It is probably a good thing I have not been to Wal Mart in a few weeks, I would dare say I would be lacking in the self control department.....yummy coconut and chocolate peanut butter goodness come to mama!
Please do explain the one lonely squirrel in the audience? hmmm.
Otherwise, you have some real drawing skillz...
It's simple really, there is only a squirrel there because everyone is stuck in bed eating cookies. Duh. :)
You. Are. Hilarious! Thanks I needed a good laugh....
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