I'm actually going to talk about something serious here. Imagine that. And it's likely going to be very long.. but most of you know I'm long-winded so you'll just have to deal with it :) I also tend to share too much information, but... oh well. That's just how I am. You can just deal with that too!
So many of you know I've been dealing with severe anxiety issues since around October or so of last year. I've had issues with it in years past, but it seemed that it would only last a couple months and then would be gone and I'd be fine. My last bad time was in July/August of 2003. By Sept or October of that year, I was fine. I'm not sure what brings it on exactly, but regardless, it's a very present factor in my life right now.
I've had quite a few people ask me what exactly it (anxiety/panic) is like and so I thought I would give a run down of a day in the life of an anxiety ridden person so maybe you can get a sense of what I have been dealing with. This is NOT an invitation to a pity party and it's not a means to get you to feel sorry for me. I don't want that at all. I just want people to understand that it's not as easy as just "well, just don't think about it".
Basically, my day almost always starts with thoughts of "Am I going to pass out when I get out of bed?" I think this stems from the fact that at the beginning of this saga, I got up in the middle of the night to pee and I did almost pass out. Apparently, this is not unheard of and has it's own medical term - micturition syncope. Weird. Anyway, it probably happened due to the fact that I was A) dealing with severe panic attacks at the time and B) had just started on Paxil. I never did fully pass out, but it was enough to completely scare the freckles off my nose, so I am absolutely terrified of passing out now. Not just in the morning, but all the time. I probably think about fainting a good 20+ times a day. Not just regular thinking about it, but "Am I feeling lightheaded? What if I passed out right now? What if I pass out and no one finds me right away?? What if I pass out and die right here on the floor of this office that I hate so much?? those type of thoughts. Constantly.
Throughout my day, I am constantly evaluating how my body feels. Am I nauseated? Am I dizzy? Is my left eye not seeing right? What is that weird pain in my arm? I almost think that I am too in-tune with my body. Yes, that sounds nuts, and it probably is, but that's how it is. I know how my body is supposed to feel and if I even remotely feel something different, I over analyze it and freak myself out. To the point of feeling nauseated and lightheaded at times which makes it worse. It's a vicious cycle. I realize many of the things I fret over are completely stupid. That mole on my arm, that my doctor has looked at, is NOT cancer. I know this, but I still freak out. Arm pain can be a sign of a heart-attack, so last week, when I had a constant sharp pain in my right shoulder/arm for much of the night, what was my first thought? Oh my gosh.. am I having a heart attack?? Am I going to be one of those few people that dies of a heart attack at 27?!?? Why wouldn't it be me?!
Now, let me say, I am not scared of where I will go with a die. I am 100% secure in my faith in Christ and I know full well that I will be dining with Him in Heaven when it IS my time. So, I'm not scared of death.. I just don't want to be there when it happens! :) I think that is what scares me more.. when I feel funny, I start worrying "Is this it?? Am I dying right now??" I think the thought of knowing when I am dying is more scary than death ever could be. I've talked to my parents and Josh extensively about this and my mom has been of particular comfort to me. She says that it seems like everyone goes through a phase in life where they come to grips with their own mortality. We are NOT invincible, we are NOT going to live forever. We ARE going to die someday. Deal with it. I think I've been going through that phase now for 8 months.. I'm hoping it ends soon!!
I also think that this is just a full-on attack by Satan. I can't tell you how much I've talked to my mom about this and asked for prayer and wisdom. Satan knows that I am very weak and vulnerable right now... perfect time to really dig into me and get under my skin. I just keep praying and praying and praying for protection and wisdom and that I will stay faithful. You know how they say don't pray for patience unless you want your patience tested? Well, the same goes for praying for faithfulness and humilty!!! I've thought of Job quite a bit these last few months. God really put him to the test. My struggles are nowhere near what he went through, nor am I claiming to be anywhere near as righteous as he was, but I can relate to him in feeling like God has turned his back on me, peace-less, frightened and all alone. Even when I know that's not true.. and He is right there, it's still a struggle. I can only pray for help. He is the only one who can get me through this unscathed.
I've tried several medications but none of them really worked for me:
Paxil - made me extremely tired...ZERO motivation to do anything but sleep and I completely lost my appetite.
Zoloft - ERK! Had a bad allergic reaction to it! Imagine every vein in your body burning as if your blood was boiling. Yeah, it was bad. Literally thought I was going to die.
Lexapro - I was on this for a couple months. It worked in some areas, but the side effects of the medicine caused more panic attacks which are unbearable so I stopped
Cymbalta - I was only on this for about a week and then I decided that A) I cant' swallow these pills (I have serious pill issues, but that's a story for another day) and B) I feel like all the meds are causing more probs than solutions.
So I slowly, under my doctor's supervision, weaned myself off the meds. After about 3 weeks of constant crying, mood swings, binge eating, and horrible horrible brain zaps....of which I STILL get occasionally... I am finally drug free. The sad thing? I'm back where I started.
They say that exercise helps with anxiety so I do that when I can, but believe it or not, exercise is a major source of anxiety for me! No, no, that's not just a silly excuse to get out of it, I really do have a fear of it. It all goes back to the passing out thing.. Last September or so, before this all really hit hard, I was working out with a personal trainer, getting all buff and stuff (or not). I really pushed myself and worked hard and was doing great! One morning though, apparently I pushed myself too far. It was early in the morning and I hadn't had a whole lot to eat (I had also just drastically cut my daily calories) and while pushing myself, I started to get very very nauseated and lightheaded. All I was doing was arm curls!! Then I started to get the dreaded fuzzy, tunnel vision. Everything got really cloudy. My ears felt like they had cotton in them and I could barely hold my head up/keep my eyes open (I'm seriously getting a sick stomach just thinking about this right now). I remember my trainer yelling for a Powerade and making me talk to her the entire time asking me what my name was, what Josh's name was, where we lived, what I was doing later that day, etc. That freaked me out (even though I couldn't express that since i could barely hold my head up!!) because it reminded me of all those shows where they get the dying person to talk to them to keep them there. Finally she got the Powerade to me and I (somehow) managed to drink some. Within seconds, I started coming to. I never fully passed out, but I remember thinking "I am dying" Not that I was, but that's what I was thinking. Turns out, my blood sugar had crashed and I just needed sugar ASAP. I have no idea what would've happened had I not gotten a Powerade. Don't want to think about it. I imagine my body would've recovered on it's own, but who knows. SO, that's kind of what I think started this whole thing. That's the closest I've come to a "medical emergency" (other than kidney stones) in my life so I think it was a wake -up to the fact that I am not invincible. So now, every time I go to the gym, I am scared to push myself to the max for fear of crashing again. I always work out with powerade/gatorade now though!! Always!!
So that's basically how my life has been for the past 8 months or so. I really don't know how people who don't know the Lord deal with anxiety.. or anything for that matter. It is the only thing that has kept me going. I can't tell you how many times I've laid awake at night, just saying over and over and over "I need You, I need You, I need You". I've read countless scriptures and I KNOW that I shouldn't worry, but actually doing it is tough. It's kind of like a bad habit.. When you automatically think and do certain things, it's incredibly hard to just stop.
So I hope this very very long novel of a blog has provided some insight to some of you who have been wondering what's going on. Thankfully, God has truly blessed me with the most wonderful husband I could ever have. I really think I would've given up by now if it wasn't for his encouragement, patience and understanding. (Makes me wonder if Josh recently prayed for patience.. lol) I am also so thankful for all of you who have been praying for me. You have no idea what that means to me! I am so thankful for each of your friendships!
I have no doubt that God will eventually pull me out of this, I just have to be patient and do what I can until the time is right. In the meantime, I keep clinging to this verse:
A Day in the Life of Anxiety
Monday, June 9, 2008
Kumbaya
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Camp site: $12
Entrance fee: $5
Food: $ a lot
Watching Barry and Keith set up a tent: PRICELESS
Union went on a camping trip this past weekend out at Mineral Wells State Park. Talk about a good time!
We had quite a large group show up for the trip this time which was really cool! Just a quick run down: Us, the Bozemans, the Johnsons, the Seiferts, the Worrells, the Stones (for the evening) , the Fletchers, and the Watts. It was really hot and sticky, but so much fun!
We had a fabulous time and will have another one in the fall for those of you who missed out this time. Here are a few pics from the trip
Josh setting up our tent
Adam setting up their one man tent that somehow both he and Deren fit in
Setting up the impossible tent.. I LOVE the look on Barry's face.
Barry, Josh and Keith figuring out the tent (Keith on the phone with BJ)
Ethan Allen and all it's yummy goodness...
Thursday, June 5, 2008
HOORAY!!!! Those of you who know me well, know that I been dying to get rid of the Green Monster couch/chair combo since the day Josh and I met. Really. That was the first thought I had when we got together. It's just green...and old...and huge...and green.. and yeah. So finally, yesterday, we went to Ethan Allen and bought some new stuff! I am SO excited and can't wait for it to come in, which will be in 6 to 8 weeks.
Ethan Allen does this nice complimentary design service where they come out to your house, look at the setup, measure stuff, and then go back and create some really nice ways for you to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars in their store! It's pretty rad! Ok, so we didn't buy NEARLY everything she put in the designs (which were both FABULOUS by the way) but we did pick one design idea we liked and got a few staples.. A couch, a chair and an end table. We'll build off of that as we go through life. I told Josh it was going to take many many many years. But I'm down with that. Here's what we're getting:
The Couch - It will be in a textured oatmeal color though. Just dark enough to hide stains and cat hair, but still fairly light.
The end table - This matches our coffee table. We'd like 2 eventually, but 2 won't fit in our living room in this house. Have to wait until we upgrade in a few years!
The chair - ours will be in a really pretty chocolate color though. Josh has always wanted a leather chair. In fact, we struck a compromise. I wanted a upholstery couch and he wanted a leather one. He finally said we could get the fabric couch if he got a leather chair. YES! I win!! :) Not that it was a competition... but hey.. I still win ;)
So that was our excitement for the night. Everyone is welcome to come over in 6 to 8 weeks and sit on our couch. It will be fun!
Oh and if anyone else out there is looking for someone to come to their house and try to sell them thousands and thousands of dollars worth of furniture, I highly recommend Sherry at the Ethan Allen by NE Mall. She really is super sweet and does a fabulous job!
Falafel eat the chicken coop on Mt. Everest
Pickle juice tastes like and the monkey said here we go round and round! Elephants and golf clubs are right to the left, left, left right left. Sing a song of sixpence but don't sit on the tuffit and smell the roses as you walk by. Tickle me pink is a go run around the block and don't stop fore score and seven years ago!
Genghis Khan should be what are we going to MARCO POLO!!! Lead on oh King Eternal to the what are Susie and Alex eating by the I played ball on scotch tape smells like chlorine. Make sure you set up the alligator run away for the life of me.
This is how communication sounds at my place of employment. One hundred thousand different thoughts, none of them making sense, all coming at me at once from about 12 different people. It's a wonder anything gets done around here some days!
Oh well.. I just keep repeating "Work unto the Lord... Work unto the Lord.. Work unto the Lord...." It's not so much a horrible day, it's just.. confusing! We've got a big deal coming up next week and trying to organize the logistics, with people all over the country, is a big pain in my caboose.
I don't understand why they can't just say "Point A goes to Point B and then goes to Point C". Then end. Finis. Kaput. Instead it's more like, "Point A goes to G, but has to cross over L, T, and Z. Only cross T if you go under D and F 1/2. By the way, G doesn't really exist so trying to get there from Point A is really a waste of time anyway. Oh and did we tell you that Person 2 and 5 are already working this? And that Person 8 has already completed it."
Welcome to my world! Oh, how I love I.T. *sigh*
More funny Japanese Game shows
Just another one that makes me laugh. I think Union should do this.. HA!
Japanese Game Shows!
I am so excited! ABC is coming out with a new show that is going to rock your socks off. It's called I Survived A Japanese Game Show. (http://abc.go.com/summer/isurvivedajapanesegame/index) If you have never had the joy of experiencing one of these shows, then you simply MUST go to youtube and search for Japanese Game Shows. What comes up will likely make you pee your pants. I'm not kidding. You might look into adult diapers before watching.
Seriously though, it's absolutely hilarious. My sister introduced me to these about a year or so ago and now when I'm bored (which you all know is quite often) I do a little search and watch these.
The video above is just a small taste of what they are like. They could never get away with some of the stuff they do here in the States!
Photo game!!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
(Christmas Eve) 
Where did you go to school?
What's your favorite season?
(By Ted Dekker) 
(LBI) 
Congratulations to Brent and Briyana!!!!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
This weekend we went down to Austin to see our friends Brent and Briyana finally tie the old proverbial knot. We drove down with our other friends, the Hortons, and had a grand time! They wedding was absolutely beautiful, Briyana looked completely stunning, and Brent couldn't have been smiling any bigger! They were two of the cutest newlyweds I've seen in a LONG time. Congratulations to them and may God greatly bless their marriage! Here are a few pics from the shin-dig.. (sorry for the blurriness in some of the pics.. our camera has really been sucking lately)
Their first dance.. so sweet!
Barry and Julia
Us and the Hortons
The newlyweds!