A Day in the Life of Anxiety

I'm actually going to talk about something serious here. Imagine that. And it's likely going to be very long.. but most of you know I'm long-winded so you'll just have to deal with it :) I also tend to share too much information, but... oh well. That's just how I am. You can just deal with that too!


So many of you know I've been dealing with severe anxiety issues since around October or so of last year. I've had issues with it in years past, but it seemed that it would only last a couple months and then would be gone and I'd be fine. My last bad time was in July/August of 2003. By Sept or October of that year, I was fine. I'm not sure what brings it on exactly, but regardless, it's a very present factor in my life right now.

I've had quite a few people ask me what exactly it (anxiety/panic) is like and so I thought I would give a run down of a day in the life of an anxiety ridden person so maybe you can get a sense of what I have been dealing with. This is NOT an invitation to a pity party and it's not a means to get you to feel sorry for me. I don't want that at all. I just want people to understand that it's not as easy as just "well, just don't think about it".

Basically, my day almost always starts with thoughts of "Am I going to pass out when I get out of bed?" I think this stems from the fact that at the beginning of this saga, I got up in the middle of the night to pee and I did almost pass out. Apparently, this is not unheard of and has it's own medical term - micturition syncope. Weird. Anyway, it probably happened due to the fact that I was A) dealing with severe panic attacks at the time and B) had just started on Paxil. I never did fully pass out, but it was enough to completely scare the freckles off my nose, so I am absolutely terrified of passing out now. Not just in the morning, but all the time. I probably think about fainting a good 20+ times a day. Not just regular thinking about it, but "Am I feeling lightheaded? What if I passed out right now? What if I pass out and no one finds me right away?? What if I pass out and die right here on the floor of this office that I hate so much?? those type of thoughts. Constantly.


Throughout my day, I am constantly evaluating how my body feels. Am I nauseated? Am I dizzy? Is my left eye not seeing right? What is that weird pain in my arm? I almost think that I am too in-tune with my body. Yes, that sounds nuts, and it probably is, but that's how it is. I know how my body is supposed to feel and if I even remotely feel something different, I over analyze it and freak myself out. To the point of feeling nauseated and lightheaded at times which makes it worse. It's a vicious cycle. I realize many of the things I fret over are completely stupid. That mole on my arm, that my doctor has looked at, is NOT cancer. I know this, but I still freak out. Arm pain can be a sign of a heart-attack, so last week, when I had a constant sharp pain in my right shoulder/arm for much of the night, what was my first thought? Oh my gosh.. am I having a heart attack?? Am I going to be one of those few people that dies of a heart attack at 27?!?? Why wouldn't it be me?!


Now, let me say, I am not scared of where I will go with a die. I am 100% secure in my faith in Christ and I know full well that I will be dining with Him in Heaven when it IS my time. So, I'm not scared of death.. I just don't want to be there when it happens! :) I think that is what scares me more.. when I feel funny, I start worrying "Is this it?? Am I dying right now??" I think the thought of knowing when I am dying is more scary than death ever could be. I've talked to my parents and Josh extensively about this and my mom has been of particular comfort to me. She says that it seems like everyone goes through a phase in life where they come to grips with their own mortality. We are NOT invincible, we are NOT going to live forever. We ARE going to die someday. Deal with it. I think I've been going through that phase now for 8 months.. I'm hoping it ends soon!!

I also think that this is just a full-on attack by Satan. I can't tell you how much I've talked to my mom about this and asked for prayer and wisdom. Satan knows that I am very weak and vulnerable right now... perfect time to really dig into me and get under my skin. I just keep praying and praying and praying for protection and wisdom and that I will stay faithful. You know how they say don't pray for patience unless you want your patience tested? Well, the same goes for praying for faithfulness and humilty!!! I've thought of Job quite a bit these last few months. God really put him to the test. My struggles are nowhere near what he went through, nor am I claiming to be anywhere near as righteous as he was, but I can relate to him in feeling like God has turned his back on me, peace-less, frightened and all alone. Even when I know that's not true.. and He is right there, it's still a struggle. I can only pray for help. He is the only one who can get me through this unscathed.


I've tried several medications but none of them really worked for me:

Paxil - made me extremely tired...ZERO motivation to do anything but sleep and I completely lost my appetite.
Zoloft - ERK! Had a bad allergic reaction to it! Imagine every vein in your body burning as if your blood was boiling. Yeah, it was bad. Literally thought I was going to die.
Lexapro - I was on this for a couple months. It worked in some areas, but the side effects of the medicine caused more panic attacks which are unbearable so I stopped
Cymbalta - I was only on this for about a week and then I decided that A) I cant' swallow these pills (I have serious pill issues, but that's a story for another day) and B) I feel like all the meds are causing more probs than solutions.
So I slowly, under my doctor's supervision, weaned myself off the meds. After about 3 weeks of constant crying, mood swings, binge eating, and horrible horrible brain zaps....of which I STILL get occasionally... I am finally drug free. The sad thing? I'm back where I started.


They say that exercise helps with anxiety so I do that when I can, but believe it or not, exercise is a major source of anxiety for me! No, no, that's not just a silly excuse to get out of it, I really do have a fear of it. It all goes back to the passing out thing.. Last September or so, before this all really hit hard, I was working out with a personal trainer, getting all buff and stuff (or not). I really pushed myself and worked hard and was doing great! One morning though, apparently I pushed myself too far. It was early in the morning and I hadn't had a whole lot to eat (I had also just drastically cut my daily calories) and while pushing myself, I started to get very very nauseated and lightheaded. All I was doing was arm curls!! Then I started to get the dreaded fuzzy, tunnel vision. Everything got really cloudy. My ears felt like they had cotton in them and I could barely hold my head up/keep my eyes open (I'm seriously getting a sick stomach just thinking about this right now). I remember my trainer yelling for a Powerade and making me talk to her the entire time asking me what my name was, what Josh's name was, where we lived, what I was doing later that day, etc. That freaked me out (even though I couldn't express that since i could barely hold my head up!!) because it reminded me of all those shows where they get the dying person to talk to them to keep them there. Finally she got the Powerade to me and I (somehow) managed to drink some. Within seconds, I started coming to. I never fully passed out, but I remember thinking "I am dying" Not that I was, but that's what I was thinking. Turns out, my blood sugar had crashed and I just needed sugar ASAP. I have no idea what would've happened had I not gotten a Powerade. Don't want to think about it. I imagine my body would've recovered on it's own, but who knows. SO, that's kind of what I think started this whole thing. That's the closest I've come to a "medical emergency" (other than kidney stones) in my life so I think it was a wake -up to the fact that I am not invincible. So now, every time I go to the gym, I am scared to push myself to the max for fear of crashing again. I always work out with powerade/gatorade now though!! Always!!


So that's basically how my life has been for the past 8 months or so. I really don't know how people who don't know the Lord deal with anxiety.. or anything for that matter. It is the only thing that has kept me going. I can't tell you how many times I've laid awake at night, just saying over and over and over "I need You, I need You, I need You". I've read countless scriptures and I KNOW that I shouldn't worry, but actually doing it is tough. It's kind of like a bad habit.. When you automatically think and do certain things, it's incredibly hard to just stop.


So I hope this very very long novel of a blog has provided some insight to some of you who have been wondering what's going on. Thankfully, God has truly blessed me with the most wonderful husband I could ever have. I really think I would've given up by now if it wasn't for his encouragement, patience and understanding. (Makes me wonder if Josh recently prayed for patience.. lol) I am also so thankful for all of you who have been praying for me. You have no idea what that means to me! I am so thankful for each of your friendships!


I have no doubt that God will eventually pull me out of this, I just have to be patient and do what I can until the time is right. In the meantime, I keep clinging to this verse:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:4-7).